Today I was anxious. All. Day. Long.
I was nervous, heart racing. I put this down to having had just a one coffee too many.
I didn’t fully realise what the root of these weird, physically nauseating feelings until after I took a moment to myself. My gut had been trying to tell me something all day long, but it wasn’t till taking a (literal) hot second to myself did it then get a chance to speak.
After a unproductive day in the library and a long class, I took myself to the pool for a swim and a long session in the steam room. Sitting in the emptiness of the steam room, focusing on trying to slowly breath in and out, all in an attempt to curb the feeling of my heart trying to break out of my chest. I felt still a little crapy though as I walked along the pool deck towards the changing room.
In the shower I wanted to be sick. All I could do was let the hot water wash over me, eyes closed hoping this would pass. Still not understanding. It was while drying off that it it me.
It was Him. It was the fear of possibly sharing a space with him later on this evening. The trepidation of possibly seeing him, to be exposed and on display for his gaze, or for him to pass by- to be touched.
To give some context: there was an event that I had planned to go to and it was going to be in a space in which another event would be on. This event is involved with a society in which he is a member of.
My gut had subconsciously clocked that he would be or had a high potential that he would be there. It had been trying to tell me this all day. It was trying to protect me from putting myself into a situation that would be incredibly difficult and stressful.
This made me well up. I was so frustrated at myself. Part of my brain believed that he was winning, again. The rational side was telling the other side that this was the trauma speaking. But still, its bloody hard.
What the hard thing is, is that you never know when a sneaky little thing can crop up and try to catch you. But on the bright side, the lights came on in time and I saw the trip wire.
So, instead of going to that event and putting myself into a situation that could have caused me serious mental and emotional stress, I called a trusty friend. Just talking through the day and basically this realisation; that I had been subconsciously stressed all day. This chat and airing out my brain was exactly what was needed.
So, what was the point of this ramble? What I want to say is to listen to yourself and what your body is trying to tell you. I wasn’t really listening and it wasn’t until that moment of silence that my brain had a chance to catch up- finally shouting to say:
Lady! Listen up, don’t go to that event and here’s why…
My mum harps on about listening to your gut and training yourself to tuning into it. Today was a training day, and I’m so glad that it was.
Mind yourselves my lovelies.
Till next time.